Comps – I Passed!

Wow am I ever glad that that’s over. My presentation went well, but then the oral exam itself was pretty rough. I really was not happy with how I did in there. There was a lot of stuff I couldn’t answer, and there were a lot of questions where I just couldn’t understand or figure out what they were getting at or looking for. So they had to lead me on a whole bunch, practically giving me the answer before I figured out where they were going. I don’t know if it was just nerves and psyching myself out or what, but I was struggling a lot during the grilling. That, and my entire committee thinks my proposed research plan is missing a piece of “original work” that would make it actually PhD-worthy. So I guess I need another eureka moment somewhere along the way between now and dissertating. After the oral exam while I was waiting out in the hall while my committee discussed their decision, I definitely had all sorts of thoughts that questioned whether I belonged, whether I truly wanted to get the PhD, or whether all this was really worth it. Yeah, I was getting pretty down on myself. My attitude was so beaten down that when they called me in to tell me “Congratulations, you have to take NWP [Numerical Weather Prediction] for credit, but you passed!” I said “Thanks” but didn’t have too much of a reaction. I was too drained, exhausted and disillusioned to feel any relief that I’d passed. It definitely was not the mountaintop experience or huge lifting of a weight off my shoulders that I’d envisioned. Instead I felt very small and very aware of how little I actually knew. I mean, I knew I didn’t know very much, but that doesn’t make the the feeling of being exposed any more pleasant.
Later Friday evening, instead of going to bed at quarter after 10 (which I totally felt tired enough to do), I drove out to Jo Hays Vista south of Pine Grove Mills, and walked 20 minutes down Jackson Trail to where Isaac, David D, and David Z were camping for the night, making s’mores and shooting off Isaac’s potato gun. Shooting the potato gun didn’t make all my frustrations melt away, but it was still fun to fire it. 🙂 I didn’t join them camping, instead I trekked back so that I could have a restful sleep in my own bed. And I must say, the little LED flashlight that I bought in that tiny hardware store in Pellston, Michigan, when I was visiting Alex earlier this summer works really well and is quite bright! Definitely worth the 5 bucks I paid for it. Without it there’s no way I would’ve been able to find my way on that trail or avoid twisting an ankle on all the rock-strewn trail.
On Saturday I finally started feeling a bit more positive and a bit less self-loathing. I think a bit of relief and realization that I was done with comps was finally starting to creep into my mindset. I finally felt like I was able to go to the church to practice piano for a couple hours, just for fun. I think I’ve pretty much re-learned a couple songs I used to know way back in high school, a Joplin rag called “Pine Apple Rag,” and I made good progress re-learning “The Rain Must Fall,” a Yanni song that I played at my high school’s talent show in 9th grade (which was instrumental -ha!- in my being given the nickname “Yanni” by everyone in high school, by the way). I even felt like I’d recovered enough from the exams to invite people out to supper at Home Delivery to celebrate a bit. About ten people came, which was fun.
I will say that it has been really nice the last couple days to be able to do whatever and not feel guilt that I wasn’t studying. Like today at Walker I spent the day cleaning up my desk, which was piled rather high with stacks of papers, books, and random assortments of crap. I got the journal articles either put away in my three-ring binders where they should be, or put into a folder in my filing cabinet. Yes, three years after I moved into that office I finally started using the filing cabinet. And now I suddenly have a desk that’s mostly clear. I’d almost forgotten what color it was. My desk in Walker hasn’t been this clean since, oh, maybe 2 years ago? Maybe since when I moved into the office three years ago? Anyway, it’s been a long time!
I wonder what else I’ll do in the coming days to start to reclaim my freedom and my life in other areas…